Now behold the Lamb.

Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
born into sin that I may live again
the Precious Lamb of God

Holy is the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
the Precious lamb of God

Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Born into sin that I may live again
He's the precious Lamb of God

When I always didn't do right
I went left he told me to go right
Now im standing right here in th mist of my tears
Lord I thank you for being the lamb of God holy..

Thank You for the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Because of Your grace
I can finish this race
the Precious Lamb of God

Even when I broke Your heart
my sins tore us apart
But I'm standing right here
in the midst of my tears
I claim You to be the Lamb of God

New life can begin,
for You washed away, washed away every one of my sins
Whom the Son sets free, is truly free indeed
I claim You to be the Lamb of God

Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
born into sin that I may live again
the Precious Lamb of God.

Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
the Precious Lamb of God

You love me, Jesus
You died for me, Jesus
You shed your blood for me, Jesus On Calvary.

Kirk Franklin

Ouch.

Do you ever have times where things just hurt?
You understand them.
You can explain them.
You know someone is in control. You trust that someone.
Yet it still hurts?
Yet you know it needs to happen, yet you still don't want it to?

Ouch.

The heart hurts at the moment.

People have left. Forever. People are leaving, people are choosing to leave, choosing to walk away. People are having to leave, and some people don't even realize that they're leaving you. They ALL hurt. I don't think you could define one as hurting 'more' they all sting, they all leave you saying ouch, they all leave your heart hurting.

God although my heart is sore, although it's torn, although it's broken. I'll praise you anyway, no matter who leaves, you're still God. You're still here. You won't leave.

I still believe you're there,but at times, I wonder if you remember me. If you remember that I'm still here. I'll still praising you anyway.

Isaiah 49. 15 - 16

' Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me. '

You haven't and won't forget me Lord.

Lord I believe, but help me in my unbelief.

Black Hole

Oh God
I'm right back in that limbo world again -
Can't feel you close to me -
Can't feel anything.
It seemed as if things were fine -
Walking in the light -
The suddenly, panic; it's all dark;
I'm drowning.

Worries - no more than they were before
Yet they are now so heavy,
So unsolvable,
so endless,
Sucking me down -
And I'm listening to the enemy
Who is condemning me to death
with his sly lies.

Doctors tell me that feeling 'low',
Is just another illness -
Brought on by stress, hormone, exhaustion, debility.
Then why do I feel so guilty about it?
So powerless to drag myself out?
So unguarded.

Where is my knowledge of you being there -
Right beside me -
Part of Me?
While my feelings scream
That because I'm like this
I have failed you,
Therefore I am less than nothing
Useless, Rubbish?

Please give me the disciplined mind,
to refuse to entertain these trespassing thoughts.
Which have no right to be there.
Because I am YOUR child -
To wait quietly faith
Until my receiving equipment is repaired
and switched on again
And I can feel you
Filling me with your big heart
Forgiving
Empowering
And re mobilising me.

Where you have been all the time.

- Shirley Vickers

Leaving tomorrow..

I'm leaving tomorrow.

I know I haven't written here in forever, so much has been happening it'd be impossible to explain everything, so i'll just start from where I am now.

I'm leaving for South Africa tomorrow, I'll be there until February and within that time I'm going to Jo'burg, Durban, Nambia, Cape town (where base is), Malawi and I think that's about it for the time being.
My first stop is Cape Town but the day after I arrive I fly out to Jo'burg with one of my best friends P.J and his mummy Celeste We're going to a game park just north of Jo'burg - Called Dunkeld, which is just rather ironic cause Dunkeld is another place we looked at, for laying Joey to sleep. I'm excited, I'm really ready to get away from England now, It's been the longest summer of my life, yet everything that happened in July seems like yesterday but everything in between has just dragged on and on.

Jesus has been so good to me. He really has been my hope, I needed a hope to ge me through, and I was weak and am weak, and yet Jesus is still my hope.

I still don't understand.. I don't understand why Joey, but I'm at peace. No that doesn't mean I don't cry all the time, or miss him every second of this day, or still get so frustrated and angry that I can't ring my bro up for a chat, or I can't cuddle him.. or I can't remind him just one more time of just how amazing he is to me.

I'm looking forward to getting into the New Year, 2008 has been a year I want to forget, but know I never will. 2009 will bring changes, and new adventures, new smiles and no doubt new tears. But it'll bring hope, because his mercies are new EVERY morning.

Jesus please walk with me, be my only hope.

Lost half of myself.

On Saturday (12th of July 08) I spent the evening with some friends, being silly, giggling alot and reminiscing on all the times when we were younger as we all grew up together, and organizing our summer reunion when my brother Joe returned home from Scotland. I got home at about 1.30 am and by 2 I had my head firmly on my pillow and went straight to sleep (a rare occurance for me)

As I slept I fell straight into dreaming mode. My dream was Joe and Jesus they were walking together, and for them it really wasn't about the destination but it was about the journey, it was the walk together, because they wanted to learn from EACH other. Jesus then turned to Joe and said "Don't worry - Their safe, their safe. They know that you love them, and you know that they love you. "

Jesus then turned to me (a representitive for Everyone in mourning, not just my family) And said to me "Don't worry now, he's safe, he's safe" Jesus went onto say " The same hand that catch every singe one of your tears is the same hand your brother sits in. He knows that you love him, and you know that he loves you."

I then awoke to the sound of the police at my front door, my dad answered and I waited patiently in my room for the news, expecting it to be something like the pub next door has been broken into, or someones hit your car, praying it wasn't Joe, although knowing it was. I then heard shrieks and the loudest screams from my mum and sister and then my dad opened my door.

Because of the dream God so dearly blessed me with I knew what had happened and I did have a sudden peace and strength to get through, it swept over me. I came down stairs to see my family on the floor in agony, and I had the strength to comfort them, by all means not my strength but Through Jesus Christ.

Its clear that I'm not holding everything together, which I don't need to, I don't need to cope, I just need to get through. Everyday it seems to hurt more, and yesterday (wednesday) seemed to be the worst day so far, and today may be even harder, but im clinging onto God. " My soul is weak, my heart is numb, I cannot see. But still my HOPE is found in you."

The song "I will praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns has been a huge part of what has got me through:

I was sure by now,

God,you would have reached down

and wiped my tears away

stepped in and saved the day,

but once again I say amen

and It's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you through this storm

And I'll lift my hands

for you are who you are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

you heard my cry to you, and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on?

If i can't find you?

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you through this storm
And I'll lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes onto the hills,

where does my help come from?
My help comes from the lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

I lift my eyes onto the hills,
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

When a close friend of Joe's, Hamish found out the news about Joe passing on, he took himself into the mountains and this is what he did.

The message that Hamish sent me with the photos, this is the kind of guy Joe was.

"Here are some photos I took on my hike today arround Karbonkelberg in Hout Bay. It was a classic "hectic missions" hike as Joe would put it. I remembered all the thrilling times we had spent together, often bundu-bashing our way to the top of mountain peaks through the fynbos. Along the way I decided to build a cairn in honour of Joe. Cairns are beakons to hikers. They mark the path, when there seems to be no path to follow. So this made sense to me whilst I was building this one, because I feel that Joe is like one of those beakons to me, because of his tremendous faith and joy and his pure heart and because his love for God was such a strong reflection in his life. I think he will continue to be a beakon in many of our lives - the legendary friend he was. "

Although I am praising God through this storm, it doesn't change the fact that I have just lost my best friend as well as my brother, unless you knew us, it's impossible to tell you how close we are. We really were as close as two people can be to each other, genuine friends as well as blood brother and sister. I feel like, my heart has been ripped out my chest and jumped upon. I feel like, half my body has been cut off, because in a way he was my other half.

He was and continues to be the most remarkable man that has been apart of our lives, and he is impacting lives of people who never even met him, and the only other person that walked this earth that I could describe to, would be Jesus. He was Christ-Like. And still the most humble guy.

Joseph Charles Pancaldi, 10th October 2008 - into Eternity.
Joseph didn't fall, he flew.

Always being diffrent

As I've been drawing an end to my GCSE's (finally!) I've been actually a little more scared that I realised. Over the last 12 years I've been in some kind of education, it might have been formal or a little less formal, but either way education and schooling have taken the direction of my last 12 years of life. And now as i'm finishing them and walking into a new section in life it is really rather scary.
Most people now, do their GCSE's and then just follow on, onto college or an institute to learn a trade, however I never have been most people, and I've never really "fitted" in or just followed the crowd. This isn't something i'm boasting about or something I'm particulary proud about, this is something that is a rather lonely position, it takes alot more courage and it's really rather scary.

This next step in life for me, doesn't just involve college.. or more education, i'm branching off on another adventure. But the thing is, I don't actually know where this adventure is going. In september I'll be leaving to go to South Africa, if it's still a war zone, I'll still go because God has called me there and therefore under the wings of the almighty I shall rest, and I shall try my best not to fear (I don't promise to be any good at it!)

The thing is, I've realised this life is rather lonely, I don't mean lonely in a sense that I don't have many friends, or close loved ones, with them I am extremeley blessed, I have AMAZING parents, a wonderful Granny, the best brothers and sister I could EVER pray for, and some amazing amazing friends, of whom I am a better person and am changed for the better for knowing them, not the kind of lonely where you don't have a hugly busy social or just working diary, but a diary that is full of things that you realise aren't what everyone else does.

The truth is, I haven't really ever fitted in, I haven't really ever tried to, I don't REALLY want to, at the moment I'm in a battle with myself, I do want to fit in and every now and then it would be lovely to be "normal" and to live a normal life ( I know we can't define normal!) but the other half of me doesn't want to fit in, I don't want to do the normal thing and follow the crowd.

So when I go to South Africa I'm going to a complete mystery, I know don't know what I am doing, I don't know what I am walking into, and some may say I'm running into it with open arms and closed eyes, but even if that is what I am doing, then I'm running into it with open arms and closed eyes holding onto God's hand, and running with him.

There is no answer to this, and I can't ever fully win this because I'm only fighting myself.

A call to action - NOW!

Over two weeks ago now, Xenophobic attacks. Started in South Africa (xenophobia = an unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners or strangers or of that which is foreign or strange.)

Due to all the natural disaters that have happened in China and Berma these attacks have been slightly underlooked by the 1st world.However to me this is as real as anything, although I'm no longer living in South Africa many loved ones are, and many loved ones are living right in the townships where this cruel and inhumane acts are taking place.

My call to you today is not to feel guilty about sitting and living comfortable lives, because don't we all, and blessed we are, but my call to you is that your heart is moved and that you will PLEASE pray. Don't stop praying until this is over, this cannot and will not stop until the situation is completely put into Jesus' hands.

The truth is this attacks have started because people are starving, what's happening is that the goverment in south africa is letting alot of foreginers into the country due to the many problems within Zimbabwe and surrounding countries, and people are flocking into South Africa.South Africa if you don't already know is riddled with povery and extreme amounts of money. White people live in near enough mansions and black people live in carboard boxes, maybe a tin hut and if you're really lucky a shed not adaqute to put our tools in, and if they have been blessed with the money then a little house. The problem is there is extremes, MONEY and POVERTY nothing in between. The South African's that live in the townships have had enough of the foreginers coming into there land and taking there jobs, and are taking action about it, are the result are these attacks, and they way it happens is by "necklacing" people, putting a burning tire full of oil around someones neck and waiting for it to burn them to death.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and are horrifed, but I think it's time we got a wake up call to the states people have to live in, maybe it will move us enouh to pray for them.

Many churches in South Africa are creating escape places for refugees, they are hosting them within there church buildings and halls, In Hout Bay (where I used to live) and the church I used to attend called Hout Bay Church International (HBCI - an NCMI church) are providing accomodation for more than 200 people, and it's just not accomodation it's food, and nappies, and all the things 100's of baby's need. (the 200 people is excluding children)By the church helping these people they are too putting there lives on the line, they are exercising faith, trusting that God will protect them and laying their lives on the line for there brothers and sisters.PLEASE pray for the protection of all the leaders and volunteers of the churches that have pulled together in the communitys to help here brothers and sisters.

PLEASE pray for the foreigners who have NOwhere to go, everywhere is dangerous for them at the moment. and all the other people living in South Africa, no where is really safe at the moment.most of ALL PLEASE pray for the people who are commiting these acts, may God soften there hearts, may they seek forgivness, may Jesus become there provider.

This was only ment to be short, i do apologize, but please do pray.

Isaiah 61:

The spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me,because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted,to proclaim freedom for the captivesand release from the darkness for the prisoners.

Thank you