Really? Are you Serious?

This morning, whilst walking somewhere in a hurry i was startled by a situation. And once again, couldn't walk by.

Just hurrying myself along, the girl a little way in front of me dropped her phone, and with a group of boys behind her, rushed to pick it up, to see that one of the guys behind her had stamped on it, and wasn't in any hurry to move his foot. Seeing this, and the girl start to break, i couldn't walk passed. I turned and asked 'What are you doing?'

'Are you seriously getting involved?' Was his harsh, in my face reply.

And taking a good few seconds to reply, I decided I was.

'Yes, yes I am.'

'Are you SERIOUSLY getting involved?'

'Sorry, I thought you heard me the first time. Yes, I am.' I had repeated with a little more force, and no fear in my voice.

As this 19/20yr old boy, stared at me in my eyes, i looked to the girl and smiled, and he lifted his foot, she retrieved her 'untouched' phone, and much to my shock and amusement, the guy scurried off, with his head hung low, and his tail between his legs.

My very brief comment to the girl, who had a winner of a smile was.

' Stand strong, do not let people intimidate you, and stand up for yourself. Stand strong in what you believe to be right, and pick yourself up. Smile in the face of those who hate you. Learn to love those who scorn you.'

And I walked off.

Really? Are you serious? What a question.

How many times do I find myself asking that question, if what is happening in life is seriously happening. Can another thing like this seriously be happening?

You've got to be kidding me - not another storm.

No kidding, and all seriousness.

BUT - amongst all these emotions, that cause me to feel in this storm. There is still love.

Even when I push away everyone around me. There is still love.

When I don't understand myself. There is still love.

When I don't understand the circumstances spinning around me. There is still love.

When nothing makes sense. There is still love.

When pain is all you can see. There is still love.

AND - in love comes: joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
All of a sudden,
Even when pain is all you can see you realise. There is still love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control.

None of this is down to me, It's all the people I have to be thankful to. Jesus. Joey. Grandmama.

These people who choose to love me, when all I do is push them away.

These people who love me even when I keep repeating how unloved I am.

These people who love me unconditionally.. no matter how many times I stuff up.. and believe me, I'd be the first to tell you that's a lot!

These people stick up for me. Stand up for me. Hold me up when I can't myself. Let me fall when I need to crumble. Know me well enough when to tell me to keep my head up and wipe the tears away, or let me cry when the tears need to come. The people who love me enough to allow themselves to feel my pain, and lie and cry with me. It doesn't ever go unnoticed.

I hope today, I was able to show that girl some love, when I stood up for her. I hope I helped her realised in a life of loneliness, that she is NOT alone. Jesus has got her back. He's standing up for her. Putting people around her.

Hope never disappoints.

Love never fails.

Now behold the Lamb.

Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
born into sin that I may live again
the Precious Lamb of God

Holy is the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
the Precious lamb of God

Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Born into sin that I may live again
He's the precious Lamb of God

When I always didn't do right
I went left he told me to go right
Now im standing right here in th mist of my tears
Lord I thank you for being the lamb of God holy..

Thank You for the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
Because of Your grace
I can finish this race
the Precious Lamb of God

Even when I broke Your heart
my sins tore us apart
But I'm standing right here
in the midst of my tears
I claim You to be the Lamb of God

New life can begin,
for You washed away, washed away every one of my sins
Whom the Son sets free, is truly free indeed
I claim You to be the Lamb of God

Now behold the Lamb
the Precious Lamb of God
born into sin that I may live again
the Precious Lamb of God.

Why You love me so, Lord
I shall never know
the Precious Lamb of God

You love me, Jesus
You died for me, Jesus
You shed your blood for me, Jesus On Calvary.

Kirk Franklin

Ouch.

Do you ever have times where things just hurt?
You understand them.
You can explain them.
You know someone is in control. You trust that someone.
Yet it still hurts?
Yet you know it needs to happen, yet you still don't want it to?

Ouch.

The heart hurts at the moment.

People have left. Forever. People are leaving, people are choosing to leave, choosing to walk away. People are having to leave, and some people don't even realize that they're leaving you. They ALL hurt. I don't think you could define one as hurting 'more' they all sting, they all leave you saying ouch, they all leave your heart hurting.

God although my heart is sore, although it's torn, although it's broken. I'll praise you anyway, no matter who leaves, you're still God. You're still here. You won't leave.

I still believe you're there,but at times, I wonder if you remember me. If you remember that I'm still here. I'll still praising you anyway.

Isaiah 49. 15 - 16

' Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me. '

You haven't and won't forget me Lord.

Lord I believe, but help me in my unbelief.

Black Hole

Oh God
I'm right back in that limbo world again -
Can't feel you close to me -
Can't feel anything.
It seemed as if things were fine -
Walking in the light -
The suddenly, panic; it's all dark;
I'm drowning.

Worries - no more than they were before
Yet they are now so heavy,
So unsolvable,
so endless,
Sucking me down -
And I'm listening to the enemy
Who is condemning me to death
with his sly lies.

Doctors tell me that feeling 'low',
Is just another illness -
Brought on by stress, hormone, exhaustion, debility.
Then why do I feel so guilty about it?
So powerless to drag myself out?
So unguarded.

Where is my knowledge of you being there -
Right beside me -
Part of Me?
While my feelings scream
That because I'm like this
I have failed you,
Therefore I am less than nothing
Useless, Rubbish?

Please give me the disciplined mind,
to refuse to entertain these trespassing thoughts.
Which have no right to be there.
Because I am YOUR child -
To wait quietly faith
Until my receiving equipment is repaired
and switched on again
And I can feel you
Filling me with your big heart
Forgiving
Empowering
And re mobilising me.

Where you have been all the time.

- Shirley Vickers

Leaving tomorrow..

I'm leaving tomorrow.

I know I haven't written here in forever, so much has been happening it'd be impossible to explain everything, so i'll just start from where I am now.

I'm leaving for South Africa tomorrow, I'll be there until February and within that time I'm going to Jo'burg, Durban, Nambia, Cape town (where base is), Malawi and I think that's about it for the time being.
My first stop is Cape Town but the day after I arrive I fly out to Jo'burg with one of my best friends P.J and his mummy Celeste We're going to a game park just north of Jo'burg - Called Dunkeld, which is just rather ironic cause Dunkeld is another place we looked at, for laying Joey to sleep. I'm excited, I'm really ready to get away from England now, It's been the longest summer of my life, yet everything that happened in July seems like yesterday but everything in between has just dragged on and on.

Jesus has been so good to me. He really has been my hope, I needed a hope to ge me through, and I was weak and am weak, and yet Jesus is still my hope.

I still don't understand.. I don't understand why Joey, but I'm at peace. No that doesn't mean I don't cry all the time, or miss him every second of this day, or still get so frustrated and angry that I can't ring my bro up for a chat, or I can't cuddle him.. or I can't remind him just one more time of just how amazing he is to me.

I'm looking forward to getting into the New Year, 2008 has been a year I want to forget, but know I never will. 2009 will bring changes, and new adventures, new smiles and no doubt new tears. But it'll bring hope, because his mercies are new EVERY morning.

Jesus please walk with me, be my only hope.

Lost half of myself.

On Saturday (12th of July 08) I spent the evening with some friends, being silly, giggling alot and reminiscing on all the times when we were younger as we all grew up together, and organizing our summer reunion when my brother Joe returned home from Scotland. I got home at about 1.30 am and by 2 I had my head firmly on my pillow and went straight to sleep (a rare occurance for me)

As I slept I fell straight into dreaming mode. My dream was Joe and Jesus they were walking together, and for them it really wasn't about the destination but it was about the journey, it was the walk together, because they wanted to learn from EACH other. Jesus then turned to Joe and said "Don't worry - Their safe, their safe. They know that you love them, and you know that they love you. "

Jesus then turned to me (a representitive for Everyone in mourning, not just my family) And said to me "Don't worry now, he's safe, he's safe" Jesus went onto say " The same hand that catch every singe one of your tears is the same hand your brother sits in. He knows that you love him, and you know that he loves you."

I then awoke to the sound of the police at my front door, my dad answered and I waited patiently in my room for the news, expecting it to be something like the pub next door has been broken into, or someones hit your car, praying it wasn't Joe, although knowing it was. I then heard shrieks and the loudest screams from my mum and sister and then my dad opened my door.

Because of the dream God so dearly blessed me with I knew what had happened and I did have a sudden peace and strength to get through, it swept over me. I came down stairs to see my family on the floor in agony, and I had the strength to comfort them, by all means not my strength but Through Jesus Christ.

Its clear that I'm not holding everything together, which I don't need to, I don't need to cope, I just need to get through. Everyday it seems to hurt more, and yesterday (wednesday) seemed to be the worst day so far, and today may be even harder, but im clinging onto God. " My soul is weak, my heart is numb, I cannot see. But still my HOPE is found in you."

The song "I will praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns has been a huge part of what has got me through:

I was sure by now,

God,you would have reached down

and wiped my tears away

stepped in and saved the day,

but once again I say amen

and It's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you through this storm

And I'll lift my hands

for you are who you are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

you heard my cry to you, and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on?

If i can't find you?

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you through this storm
And I'll lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes onto the hills,

where does my help come from?
My help comes from the lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

I lift my eyes onto the hills,
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

When a close friend of Joe's, Hamish found out the news about Joe passing on, he took himself into the mountains and this is what he did.

The message that Hamish sent me with the photos, this is the kind of guy Joe was.

"Here are some photos I took on my hike today arround Karbonkelberg in Hout Bay. It was a classic "hectic missions" hike as Joe would put it. I remembered all the thrilling times we had spent together, often bundu-bashing our way to the top of mountain peaks through the fynbos. Along the way I decided to build a cairn in honour of Joe. Cairns are beakons to hikers. They mark the path, when there seems to be no path to follow. So this made sense to me whilst I was building this one, because I feel that Joe is like one of those beakons to me, because of his tremendous faith and joy and his pure heart and because his love for God was such a strong reflection in his life. I think he will continue to be a beakon in many of our lives - the legendary friend he was. "

Although I am praising God through this storm, it doesn't change the fact that I have just lost my best friend as well as my brother, unless you knew us, it's impossible to tell you how close we are. We really were as close as two people can be to each other, genuine friends as well as blood brother and sister. I feel like, my heart has been ripped out my chest and jumped upon. I feel like, half my body has been cut off, because in a way he was my other half.

He was and continues to be the most remarkable man that has been apart of our lives, and he is impacting lives of people who never even met him, and the only other person that walked this earth that I could describe to, would be Jesus. He was Christ-Like. And still the most humble guy.

Joseph Charles Pancaldi, 10th October 2008 - into Eternity.
Joseph didn't fall, he flew.

Always being diffrent

As I've been drawing an end to my GCSE's (finally!) I've been actually a little more scared that I realised. Over the last 12 years I've been in some kind of education, it might have been formal or a little less formal, but either way education and schooling have taken the direction of my last 12 years of life. And now as i'm finishing them and walking into a new section in life it is really rather scary.
Most people now, do their GCSE's and then just follow on, onto college or an institute to learn a trade, however I never have been most people, and I've never really "fitted" in or just followed the crowd. This isn't something i'm boasting about or something I'm particulary proud about, this is something that is a rather lonely position, it takes alot more courage and it's really rather scary.

This next step in life for me, doesn't just involve college.. or more education, i'm branching off on another adventure. But the thing is, I don't actually know where this adventure is going. In september I'll be leaving to go to South Africa, if it's still a war zone, I'll still go because God has called me there and therefore under the wings of the almighty I shall rest, and I shall try my best not to fear (I don't promise to be any good at it!)

The thing is, I've realised this life is rather lonely, I don't mean lonely in a sense that I don't have many friends, or close loved ones, with them I am extremeley blessed, I have AMAZING parents, a wonderful Granny, the best brothers and sister I could EVER pray for, and some amazing amazing friends, of whom I am a better person and am changed for the better for knowing them, not the kind of lonely where you don't have a hugly busy social or just working diary, but a diary that is full of things that you realise aren't what everyone else does.

The truth is, I haven't really ever fitted in, I haven't really ever tried to, I don't REALLY want to, at the moment I'm in a battle with myself, I do want to fit in and every now and then it would be lovely to be "normal" and to live a normal life ( I know we can't define normal!) but the other half of me doesn't want to fit in, I don't want to do the normal thing and follow the crowd.

So when I go to South Africa I'm going to a complete mystery, I know don't know what I am doing, I don't know what I am walking into, and some may say I'm running into it with open arms and closed eyes, but even if that is what I am doing, then I'm running into it with open arms and closed eyes holding onto God's hand, and running with him.

There is no answer to this, and I can't ever fully win this because I'm only fighting myself.