Leaving tomorrow..

I'm leaving tomorrow.

I know I haven't written here in forever, so much has been happening it'd be impossible to explain everything, so i'll just start from where I am now.

I'm leaving for South Africa tomorrow, I'll be there until February and within that time I'm going to Jo'burg, Durban, Nambia, Cape town (where base is), Malawi and I think that's about it for the time being.
My first stop is Cape Town but the day after I arrive I fly out to Jo'burg with one of my best friends P.J and his mummy Celeste We're going to a game park just north of Jo'burg - Called Dunkeld, which is just rather ironic cause Dunkeld is another place we looked at, for laying Joey to sleep. I'm excited, I'm really ready to get away from England now, It's been the longest summer of my life, yet everything that happened in July seems like yesterday but everything in between has just dragged on and on.

Jesus has been so good to me. He really has been my hope, I needed a hope to ge me through, and I was weak and am weak, and yet Jesus is still my hope.

I still don't understand.. I don't understand why Joey, but I'm at peace. No that doesn't mean I don't cry all the time, or miss him every second of this day, or still get so frustrated and angry that I can't ring my bro up for a chat, or I can't cuddle him.. or I can't remind him just one more time of just how amazing he is to me.

I'm looking forward to getting into the New Year, 2008 has been a year I want to forget, but know I never will. 2009 will bring changes, and new adventures, new smiles and no doubt new tears. But it'll bring hope, because his mercies are new EVERY morning.

Jesus please walk with me, be my only hope.

Lost half of myself.

On Saturday (12th of July 08) I spent the evening with some friends, being silly, giggling alot and reminiscing on all the times when we were younger as we all grew up together, and organizing our summer reunion when my brother Joe returned home from Scotland. I got home at about 1.30 am and by 2 I had my head firmly on my pillow and went straight to sleep (a rare occurance for me)

As I slept I fell straight into dreaming mode. My dream was Joe and Jesus they were walking together, and for them it really wasn't about the destination but it was about the journey, it was the walk together, because they wanted to learn from EACH other. Jesus then turned to Joe and said "Don't worry - Their safe, their safe. They know that you love them, and you know that they love you. "

Jesus then turned to me (a representitive for Everyone in mourning, not just my family) And said to me "Don't worry now, he's safe, he's safe" Jesus went onto say " The same hand that catch every singe one of your tears is the same hand your brother sits in. He knows that you love him, and you know that he loves you."

I then awoke to the sound of the police at my front door, my dad answered and I waited patiently in my room for the news, expecting it to be something like the pub next door has been broken into, or someones hit your car, praying it wasn't Joe, although knowing it was. I then heard shrieks and the loudest screams from my mum and sister and then my dad opened my door.

Because of the dream God so dearly blessed me with I knew what had happened and I did have a sudden peace and strength to get through, it swept over me. I came down stairs to see my family on the floor in agony, and I had the strength to comfort them, by all means not my strength but Through Jesus Christ.

Its clear that I'm not holding everything together, which I don't need to, I don't need to cope, I just need to get through. Everyday it seems to hurt more, and yesterday (wednesday) seemed to be the worst day so far, and today may be even harder, but im clinging onto God. " My soul is weak, my heart is numb, I cannot see. But still my HOPE is found in you."

The song "I will praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns has been a huge part of what has got me through:

I was sure by now,

God,you would have reached down

and wiped my tears away

stepped in and saved the day,

but once again I say amen

and It's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you through this storm

And I'll lift my hands

for you are who you are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

you heard my cry to you, and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on?

If i can't find you?

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you through this storm
And I'll lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes onto the hills,

where does my help come from?
My help comes from the lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

I lift my eyes onto the hills,
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

When a close friend of Joe's, Hamish found out the news about Joe passing on, he took himself into the mountains and this is what he did.

The message that Hamish sent me with the photos, this is the kind of guy Joe was.

"Here are some photos I took on my hike today arround Karbonkelberg in Hout Bay. It was a classic "hectic missions" hike as Joe would put it. I remembered all the thrilling times we had spent together, often bundu-bashing our way to the top of mountain peaks through the fynbos. Along the way I decided to build a cairn in honour of Joe. Cairns are beakons to hikers. They mark the path, when there seems to be no path to follow. So this made sense to me whilst I was building this one, because I feel that Joe is like one of those beakons to me, because of his tremendous faith and joy and his pure heart and because his love for God was such a strong reflection in his life. I think he will continue to be a beakon in many of our lives - the legendary friend he was. "

Although I am praising God through this storm, it doesn't change the fact that I have just lost my best friend as well as my brother, unless you knew us, it's impossible to tell you how close we are. We really were as close as two people can be to each other, genuine friends as well as blood brother and sister. I feel like, my heart has been ripped out my chest and jumped upon. I feel like, half my body has been cut off, because in a way he was my other half.

He was and continues to be the most remarkable man that has been apart of our lives, and he is impacting lives of people who never even met him, and the only other person that walked this earth that I could describe to, would be Jesus. He was Christ-Like. And still the most humble guy.

Joseph Charles Pancaldi, 10th October 2008 - into Eternity.
Joseph didn't fall, he flew.

Always being diffrent

As I've been drawing an end to my GCSE's (finally!) I've been actually a little more scared that I realised. Over the last 12 years I've been in some kind of education, it might have been formal or a little less formal, but either way education and schooling have taken the direction of my last 12 years of life. And now as i'm finishing them and walking into a new section in life it is really rather scary.
Most people now, do their GCSE's and then just follow on, onto college or an institute to learn a trade, however I never have been most people, and I've never really "fitted" in or just followed the crowd. This isn't something i'm boasting about or something I'm particulary proud about, this is something that is a rather lonely position, it takes alot more courage and it's really rather scary.

This next step in life for me, doesn't just involve college.. or more education, i'm branching off on another adventure. But the thing is, I don't actually know where this adventure is going. In september I'll be leaving to go to South Africa, if it's still a war zone, I'll still go because God has called me there and therefore under the wings of the almighty I shall rest, and I shall try my best not to fear (I don't promise to be any good at it!)

The thing is, I've realised this life is rather lonely, I don't mean lonely in a sense that I don't have many friends, or close loved ones, with them I am extremeley blessed, I have AMAZING parents, a wonderful Granny, the best brothers and sister I could EVER pray for, and some amazing amazing friends, of whom I am a better person and am changed for the better for knowing them, not the kind of lonely where you don't have a hugly busy social or just working diary, but a diary that is full of things that you realise aren't what everyone else does.

The truth is, I haven't really ever fitted in, I haven't really ever tried to, I don't REALLY want to, at the moment I'm in a battle with myself, I do want to fit in and every now and then it would be lovely to be "normal" and to live a normal life ( I know we can't define normal!) but the other half of me doesn't want to fit in, I don't want to do the normal thing and follow the crowd.

So when I go to South Africa I'm going to a complete mystery, I know don't know what I am doing, I don't know what I am walking into, and some may say I'm running into it with open arms and closed eyes, but even if that is what I am doing, then I'm running into it with open arms and closed eyes holding onto God's hand, and running with him.

There is no answer to this, and I can't ever fully win this because I'm only fighting myself.

A call to action - NOW!

Over two weeks ago now, Xenophobic attacks. Started in South Africa (xenophobia = an unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners or strangers or of that which is foreign or strange.)

Due to all the natural disaters that have happened in China and Berma these attacks have been slightly underlooked by the 1st world.However to me this is as real as anything, although I'm no longer living in South Africa many loved ones are, and many loved ones are living right in the townships where this cruel and inhumane acts are taking place.

My call to you today is not to feel guilty about sitting and living comfortable lives, because don't we all, and blessed we are, but my call to you is that your heart is moved and that you will PLEASE pray. Don't stop praying until this is over, this cannot and will not stop until the situation is completely put into Jesus' hands.

The truth is this attacks have started because people are starving, what's happening is that the goverment in south africa is letting alot of foreginers into the country due to the many problems within Zimbabwe and surrounding countries, and people are flocking into South Africa.South Africa if you don't already know is riddled with povery and extreme amounts of money. White people live in near enough mansions and black people live in carboard boxes, maybe a tin hut and if you're really lucky a shed not adaqute to put our tools in, and if they have been blessed with the money then a little house. The problem is there is extremes, MONEY and POVERTY nothing in between. The South African's that live in the townships have had enough of the foreginers coming into there land and taking there jobs, and are taking action about it, are the result are these attacks, and they way it happens is by "necklacing" people, putting a burning tire full of oil around someones neck and waiting for it to burn them to death.

I'm sorry if you're reading this and are horrifed, but I think it's time we got a wake up call to the states people have to live in, maybe it will move us enouh to pray for them.

Many churches in South Africa are creating escape places for refugees, they are hosting them within there church buildings and halls, In Hout Bay (where I used to live) and the church I used to attend called Hout Bay Church International (HBCI - an NCMI church) are providing accomodation for more than 200 people, and it's just not accomodation it's food, and nappies, and all the things 100's of baby's need. (the 200 people is excluding children)By the church helping these people they are too putting there lives on the line, they are exercising faith, trusting that God will protect them and laying their lives on the line for there brothers and sisters.PLEASE pray for the protection of all the leaders and volunteers of the churches that have pulled together in the communitys to help here brothers and sisters.

PLEASE pray for the foreigners who have NOwhere to go, everywhere is dangerous for them at the moment. and all the other people living in South Africa, no where is really safe at the moment.most of ALL PLEASE pray for the people who are commiting these acts, may God soften there hearts, may they seek forgivness, may Jesus become there provider.

This was only ment to be short, i do apologize, but please do pray.

Isaiah 61:

The spirit of the sovereign Lord is on me,because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted,to proclaim freedom for the captivesand release from the darkness for the prisoners.

Thank you

Sunday 20th of April

Sunday night
There are no words that actually describe what happened and that is the truth of it.
All through Sunday God was calling me to come and "Be" with him, however you know times are busy and I found excuses. In the evening Naomi and Chrissy came over, and this urge was so strong I wasn't able to ignore it anymore. The rain was pouring down outside and it was dark and cold.. and I asked them if they felt like coming to the woods with me because I felt God wanted to say something. and AMAZING friends that they are, agreed and we got our wellies on and drove to the woods. Expectant upon God.
We arrived at the dark, wet woods.. and ventured inside. We didn't go in too far, enough so that we were completely surrounded by trees but could see the path way out.
We started by getting right with God and talking about things that had been going within us and around us over the last couple of days/weeks.
I can't really describe how it all went from there, but its true to say, Jesus was returning to us the "Joy of his salvation" (psalm 51) we were laughing, jumping, clapping, singing, crying, in complete awe. There was three girls in the woods late on a Sunday night, all dancing round a big tree.
This explains what God was doing:
Like a child I will dance in your presence
Oh let the joy of heaven fall down on me
I still remember the first time I met you
and I don't ever want to loose that fire
FIRST LOVE.
We got our first flame back for Jesus.
Things quietened down a little, and one of the girlies felt that we were going to see an angel. This became really exciting, until nothing turned up. I then realised that we were in JESUS' presence, an angel is lower than him. we were walking and dancing, clapping, singing with Jesus. RIGHT THERE. we had put far to much worth into seeing the angel. and we refocused our eyes on Jesus.
As we did so, there were angels there anyway. you could feel them all around you, a mist had settled in the woods and not everywhere just in this particular place. Jesus was there.
We felt like we were in the garden of Eden, God, Man and creation. Nothing else.
It's hard to explain something like this because it is completely unfathamoable. there aren't words that could even midly explain what we felt.
all I can say is that, we really had a true glimipse of heaven. a true glimpse of home.
There is so much more I could say about this, but im realising it really isn't going to do any justice.

Why?

Today I spoke to a great friend of mine, She's very wonderful and you are blessed if you know her, But I was saddened by our conversation. This was the mail I received with the news:

"his name is Chris, he's about 27ish, he has 2 brain tumors and it has all gotten quite bad recently. On Friday he was taken into hospital because he suddenly got really ill. They found out that the cancer has spread to his bone marrow and so they got it tested to see how bad it was. The doctors thought he was getting better on the weekend but he has still been getting even worse and they found out from the tests that it's spread too much for them to help anymore so they've transferred him to a better hospital but will no longer be treating him. The doctors don't think he will be able to last much longer."

My cry is for a change. that is all.

Please, please, wherever you are. Pray.

unsettled

I've been thinking recently about September really not being far away, and that when September comes I'll be jetting off on a plane to the other side of the world to South Africa.

Today I've been feeling quite scared about going, however there isn't a doubt in my mind that I'll go. I know I'm going, and that I do need to go. How long I'll go for is yet to be determined, but there is no reason to set that in stone yet anyway.
However just whilst I put my Windows media player on random I have just been sitting in my room doing some work, and this song came one, I'm not sure where this song is from but its called "Set The World On Fire" by Britt Nicole. These are the lyrics :

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for you
It's everything that i desire
Can I be the one you use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with you
Nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hand.

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with you
Nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, My love.
Lord, Use me

I wanna set the world on fire.
I wanna set the world on fire

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with you
Nothing I can't do
Nothing I cannot do

I'm gonna set the world on fire
Gonna set the world on fire.

This was the best thing I could have heard at this time, at this time of feeling unsettled knowing I'm going out into the unknown on my own, without the comfort of having my own home, or having my mummy or Daddy about or being able to pop to Scotland to see my brother or run down stairs and see my sister.. but with my Lord there is NOTHING I cannot do, and realising that I am actually not going into the unknown alone, i have the best person walking next to me. holding my hand every step of the way.

I have had this unsettled feeling going on inside of the me since late January, I think it first came about because I spend eight amazing weeks with my best friend from South Africa and when she returned home it left me a little lost of where I was. I was missing South Africa but not knowing where I was meant to be, I knew that when I went to Cape Town I'd miss England, I couldn't win. And then I remembered that this is my temporary home, this world is temporary, so I won't ever be settled because I'm not staying here. This unsettled feeling is not the missing of South Africa or the missing of England when I'm away from it, but from wanting to make Heaven my dwelling my place. And when Heaven is my dwelling then my friends that is when I shall be settled. That is when I shall be Home.
These years of my life are just my Journey Home.

I can't resist this love inside

I wrote a new song today called "I can't resist this love inside"

These are the lyrics

Another day without is impossible
with out you its so easy to slip away
Tell me what more can I do?
telling you just isn't enough
its the way I live that shows you that my love is real, my love is real.

I don't know why I can't resist this love inside
I can't resist this love inside

Take hold and don't let go
Let your heart be free
There you will find
we're always meant to be, we're always meant to be.

Lord turn my wrong to right please
that's what I'm praying
show me your love tonight
hear what I'm saying

I don't know why I can't resist this love inside
I can't resist this love inside

Take hold and don't let go
Let your heart be free
There you will find
we're always meant to be, we're always meant to be.

I found out what it takes to heal this heart of mine
is your loving embrace I feel,
Time after time.

Take Hold and don't let go
Let your heart be free
There you will find
We're always meant to be, we're always meant to be.

This song is something that has a lot of different things going on in it, but it really explained a lot of things of where I'm at.
I needed to write a song that was going to give hope, a song that was saying " Take hold and don't let go" telling people to just keep holding onto God, and when we reach him which we always can our hearts are free. In him we are free. and that it was incorporating my last post about being, and how that when we reach that place of being we find it's where we are always meant to be.

It's hard to explain exactly where this came from, considering it was written about a lot of different things with a lot of different emotions going through my head.
I hope to have the song recorded properly as soon as possible!

learning to be.

Today I started to learn an invaluable lesson, that which is Learning To Be. Learning that being in God's presence is enough, that's all he asks for me, that I may be still and know that he is God. And that i don't need to run myself dry trying to impress him, or anyone else for that matter, but learn to be. learn to be in his presence, be still, find him in the whisper.
God taught this to a friend who then taught me.

On last Saturday, two of my girlie friends had slept over, Naomi and Chrissy. We had done some amazing releasing of things on Friday night and spent some quality time with God and also had a lot of giggles, which included putting ridiculous make-up on each other and pulling silly faces for the camera. After getting to bed rather later, we woke up quite late the next morning and due to that I thought we'll have bacon rolls because it was more brunch time then breakfast. Due to eating the bacon rolls Chrissy had got some bacon stuck in her tooth and so asked me if I had any dental floss, my reply was it's in the bathroom downstairs (however if I was a good host I would have got it for her!) and Chrissy walked out my room, and the next thing i hear is a bang so i run out my room which is at the top of the stairs to find Chrissy falling down the stairs, whilst tryingt to grab on the rough beams on the side. When Chrissy finally reached the bottom, which seemed like hours later, I could see from the top of the stairs there was blood on her hands, and anyone who knows me, knows that me and blood don't go well together! I called Nay and realised Chrissy wasn't responding to me and needed me, with or without blood. I ran (carefully!) to the bottom of the stairs, to find she was half in reality half out of it, what does chartiy do in these circumstances she panics!! I ran to my mummy who then came to Chrissy.
To cut this part of the story a little shorter we phoned the ambulance and that resulted in Chrissy, Nay and myself spending over four hours in the hospital by Chrissy's side.
Chrissy has a track record of bad back problems, three herneated discs to be spercific and since then has been in a lot of pain which has resulted in her having to lie flat on her back. (getting to my point now..) The last five day's chrissy has been lying flat, trying to work out what to do with herself. And it dauned on her, God just so wanted to spend time with her, with her just being, so much that he needed to let her fall down the stairs in order for her to have to spend time with him.
she felt him in a totally new way today, in a way that was washing over her. She looked so beautiful today, not because of hair, make-up or clothes, but so stunning when she described her new encounter with God.
She learnt to be.