Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Always being diffrent

As I've been drawing an end to my GCSE's (finally!) I've been actually a little more scared that I realised. Over the last 12 years I've been in some kind of education, it might have been formal or a little less formal, but either way education and schooling have taken the direction of my last 12 years of life. And now as i'm finishing them and walking into a new section in life it is really rather scary.
Most people now, do their GCSE's and then just follow on, onto college or an institute to learn a trade, however I never have been most people, and I've never really "fitted" in or just followed the crowd. This isn't something i'm boasting about or something I'm particulary proud about, this is something that is a rather lonely position, it takes alot more courage and it's really rather scary.

This next step in life for me, doesn't just involve college.. or more education, i'm branching off on another adventure. But the thing is, I don't actually know where this adventure is going. In september I'll be leaving to go to South Africa, if it's still a war zone, I'll still go because God has called me there and therefore under the wings of the almighty I shall rest, and I shall try my best not to fear (I don't promise to be any good at it!)

The thing is, I've realised this life is rather lonely, I don't mean lonely in a sense that I don't have many friends, or close loved ones, with them I am extremeley blessed, I have AMAZING parents, a wonderful Granny, the best brothers and sister I could EVER pray for, and some amazing amazing friends, of whom I am a better person and am changed for the better for knowing them, not the kind of lonely where you don't have a hugly busy social or just working diary, but a diary that is full of things that you realise aren't what everyone else does.

The truth is, I haven't really ever fitted in, I haven't really ever tried to, I don't REALLY want to, at the moment I'm in a battle with myself, I do want to fit in and every now and then it would be lovely to be "normal" and to live a normal life ( I know we can't define normal!) but the other half of me doesn't want to fit in, I don't want to do the normal thing and follow the crowd.

So when I go to South Africa I'm going to a complete mystery, I know don't know what I am doing, I don't know what I am walking into, and some may say I'm running into it with open arms and closed eyes, but even if that is what I am doing, then I'm running into it with open arms and closed eyes holding onto God's hand, and running with him.

There is no answer to this, and I can't ever fully win this because I'm only fighting myself.

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