Lost half of myself.

On Saturday (12th of July 08) I spent the evening with some friends, being silly, giggling alot and reminiscing on all the times when we were younger as we all grew up together, and organizing our summer reunion when my brother Joe returned home from Scotland. I got home at about 1.30 am and by 2 I had my head firmly on my pillow and went straight to sleep (a rare occurance for me)

As I slept I fell straight into dreaming mode. My dream was Joe and Jesus they were walking together, and for them it really wasn't about the destination but it was about the journey, it was the walk together, because they wanted to learn from EACH other. Jesus then turned to Joe and said "Don't worry - Their safe, their safe. They know that you love them, and you know that they love you. "

Jesus then turned to me (a representitive for Everyone in mourning, not just my family) And said to me "Don't worry now, he's safe, he's safe" Jesus went onto say " The same hand that catch every singe one of your tears is the same hand your brother sits in. He knows that you love him, and you know that he loves you."

I then awoke to the sound of the police at my front door, my dad answered and I waited patiently in my room for the news, expecting it to be something like the pub next door has been broken into, or someones hit your car, praying it wasn't Joe, although knowing it was. I then heard shrieks and the loudest screams from my mum and sister and then my dad opened my door.

Because of the dream God so dearly blessed me with I knew what had happened and I did have a sudden peace and strength to get through, it swept over me. I came down stairs to see my family on the floor in agony, and I had the strength to comfort them, by all means not my strength but Through Jesus Christ.

Its clear that I'm not holding everything together, which I don't need to, I don't need to cope, I just need to get through. Everyday it seems to hurt more, and yesterday (wednesday) seemed to be the worst day so far, and today may be even harder, but im clinging onto God. " My soul is weak, my heart is numb, I cannot see. But still my HOPE is found in you."

The song "I will praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns has been a huge part of what has got me through:

I was sure by now,

God,you would have reached down

and wiped my tears away

stepped in and saved the day,

but once again I say amen

and It's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear you whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you through this storm

And I'll lift my hands

for you are who you are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

you heard my cry to you, and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on?

If i can't find you?

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you through this storm
And I'll lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes onto the hills,

where does my help come from?
My help comes from the lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

I lift my eyes onto the hills,
where does my help come from?

My help comes from the lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

When a close friend of Joe's, Hamish found out the news about Joe passing on, he took himself into the mountains and this is what he did.

The message that Hamish sent me with the photos, this is the kind of guy Joe was.

"Here are some photos I took on my hike today arround Karbonkelberg in Hout Bay. It was a classic "hectic missions" hike as Joe would put it. I remembered all the thrilling times we had spent together, often bundu-bashing our way to the top of mountain peaks through the fynbos. Along the way I decided to build a cairn in honour of Joe. Cairns are beakons to hikers. They mark the path, when there seems to be no path to follow. So this made sense to me whilst I was building this one, because I feel that Joe is like one of those beakons to me, because of his tremendous faith and joy and his pure heart and because his love for God was such a strong reflection in his life. I think he will continue to be a beakon in many of our lives - the legendary friend he was. "

Although I am praising God through this storm, it doesn't change the fact that I have just lost my best friend as well as my brother, unless you knew us, it's impossible to tell you how close we are. We really were as close as two people can be to each other, genuine friends as well as blood brother and sister. I feel like, my heart has been ripped out my chest and jumped upon. I feel like, half my body has been cut off, because in a way he was my other half.

He was and continues to be the most remarkable man that has been apart of our lives, and he is impacting lives of people who never even met him, and the only other person that walked this earth that I could describe to, would be Jesus. He was Christ-Like. And still the most humble guy.

Joseph Charles Pancaldi, 10th October 2008 - into Eternity.
Joseph didn't fall, he flew.